It’s one minute to six and you finish your shift, exhausted. As you grab your things, a hotel guest rushes in your direction.
“I want to say a word to you,” she barks, her cheeks redder than the bowl of apples on the counter.
“How can I help-.” Before you can finish your question, the woman, with flared nostrils, lists all the flaws in her room – only taking a break to devour the free fruit in front of her.
As she complains about a single speck of dust on the blinds, you retrieve her reservation and deduce from her date of birth that this guest is, unsurprisingly, Taurus. They can spend their days unraveling because the world never meets their high standards.
“Are you writing these complaints? You concede defeat. “Let me take a pen.”
“Grab some pens,” she advises, now shoving a handful of free hard candy into her mouth. “I’m just getting started!”
Regardless of their age, a Taurus’ temper can go from 0 to 10 faster than you can shout “matador.” Rest assured, your baby’s shape will soon be back to normal – after venting his frustrations at nursery. And the bathroom. And the good dining room. There’s a reason bulls aren’t allowed in Chinese stores.
The average newborn is fed 8-12 times a day – in the case of your greedy bull, it will be at least twice that. Few signs are more routine-obsessed than Taurus, so if name-name time is on the hour, every hour, stick to that pattern unless you want the baby chair thrown through your windows. double glazed.
Nature-loving Taurus like to relax in serene, rustic pastoral settings. (You can take a bull out of a field…) However, from their pram, they will complain that the musical interludes of the yellow-feathered canary are false while the autumn leaves are too orange. Or not orange enough. Dear parent, if Mother Nature can’t do it, neither can you.
New parents might think the gossip about school won’t concern them for several years. Patience is not a virtue in the eyes of a young Taurus; they can’t wait ten seconds, let alone four years, so they’ll enroll in Baby Infants – and probably college – before they leave the maternity ward.
While Charles Dickens only revealed that Oliver Twist was born in 1830, the moment the orphan uttered those immortal words, “Please, sir, I want more!”, readers immediately knew that the boy’s birthday fell between the end of April and May. Even the creators of The Simpsons had the astrological sense to make donut-loving Homer a Taurus.
This insatiable greed comes from their stubborn and energetic nature. They want everything, whether it’s two servings of plum and apple cobbler or complete control of Europe, Iraq or Cambodia. (See: Adolf Hitler, Saddam Hussein and Pol Pot.) As The Rock, John Cena and Andre the Giant will attest, they never hesitate to fight. Then there’s William Shakespeare – whether it’s suicidal lovers or politically ambitious husband and wife duos, the bard’s bloodlust is evident in every scene.
Some of our greatest thinkers and speakers have been Taurus: Sigmund Freud, Karl Marx, Niccolò Machiavelli and our very own Bono. Bulls don’t always need to shed blood to eradicate their enemies – they can put them to death with their words instead. Lizzo knows the power of a good lyric.
Bullfighting colleagues are always ready and willing when you want something done – and, frustratingly, even when you don’t. However, as David Beckham has often said, bulls fight OCD throughout their lives. Their office will look like a museum, with strategically positioned furniture, folders stacked alphabetically, and stationery arranged in a color-coordinated fashion.
While they control their surroundings, the same cannot be said for what comes out of their uncensored mouths. You’ll soon learn not to ask for their advice, although you’ll probably receive it anyway.
With finance, you could argue that bulls “seeing red” are tied to the red discount tags that litter the basket of bargains. Oh my days, they love discounts! If they foot the bill, be sure to kick them off the Christmas party committee — otherwise, the spread will consist of what was discounted 80% at Dealz that day.
Incidentally, while Taureans hate spending their own money, they have no problem spending someone else’s. They love luxury and will do anything – or anyone – to maintain their opulent lifestyle (see: Eva Péron and Melania Trump).
Despite their quick-tempered nature, Taurus seek stability, which means they seek a long-term relationship from conception. Taurus is ruled by Venus, the planet of love, so how could it be otherwise?
Despite their flaws, they personify loyalty and will never let you down. Just ask Taurean singer Tammy Wynette, whose hit, “Stand by Your Man,” sums up their unwavering allegiance. Their notorious temperament might suggest otherwise, but Taurus can actually be pleasant, friendly and, when undisturbed, gentle. They even love to cuddle.
But when they’re not holding their lover, they cling to any objects that have entered their orbit – because another common trait is that they can’t throw anything away anyway, no matter how much it will serve never.
If you’re pursuing a relationship with a Taurus, they’ll keep love letters, Valentine’s Day cards, and ticket stubs from every show you’ve attended together. All of this will be neatly stored away in their basement – alongside the corpses of those unlucky enough to get on the wrong side of their mood.